Expectations placed on young people of the aristocracy and the gentry were quite high. A young man was “expected” to make a match that would bring wealth or position to his family name. First, a gentleman was often several years older than his potential mate. For example, Fitzwilliam Darcy is eight and twenty years of age, while Elizabeth Bennet is twenty. In fact, Elizabeth and Jane Bennet are very close to being “on the shelf.” Girls made their Society debut at age sixteen. Gentlemen at age one and twenty. Several logical reasons affected these unspoken rules of courtship. For example, childbirth was a difficult time for women. Dangers were aplenty. It was believed that a young wife could withstand the need to produce the necessary “heir and a spare.” For the gentleman, twenty-one was the age at which a man could enter a contract without his father’s permission. One must recall that an engagement required a written contract during the Regency Period. Men without financial prospects often waited to marry in order to establish their careers and earn enough money to support a wife and children. Therefore, it was not uncommon for a man to marry at age 30 and for his wife to be between 16 and 20 years of age.
To meet the “perfect” or “not-so-perfect” mate, one attended dances (private balls and public assemblies) or other socials. Family and friends were a source of potential mates. When someone of interest appeared, finding private time to learn more of one another was difficult. A young lady was expected to chaperoned at all times. Dancing was one of the few activities in which the couple could participate and hold a conversation. However, a couple could dance no more than two 30 minute sets, otherwise, the couple would be thought to have an understanding in place, meaning they were considered engaged.
Apart from dancing, young people attended family parties or functions. At such social events, one was expected to be sociable with everyone in attendance. Again, spending time alone together was nearly nonexistent. Walking out or riding together required proper chaperones. Marianne Dashwood risks her reputation in Austen’s “Sense and Sensibility” by riding alone in Mr. Willoughby’s gig, and in “Northanger Abbey,” Catherine Morland is very upset when John Thorpe maneuvers her into his gig alone.
A couple could not even correspond until they were officially engaged. Marianne pushes the lines of propriety when she writes Willoughby. Her letters are why Elinor assumes that Marianne is engaged to Willoughby.
Actually, the first time most couples were alone was during the actual proposal. Engagement rings were not necessarily given as a symbol of the lady’s acceptance. A woman’s power of refusal was her only control in the situation. Henry Tilney says as such in “Northanger Abbey.” Rarely did a woman refuse the proposal (except in the case of Elizabeth Bennet with both Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy). If one recalls, Mr. Collins points out that Elizabeth is not likely to receive another proposal if she refuses him. Occasionally, a woman would break the engagement, but it was frowned upon for a gentleman to break the engagement. Society’s disapproval of his breaking the engagement is why Edward Ferrars keeps his word to Lucy Steele in “Sense and Sensibility.”
Once the proposal is accepted by the woman, the gentleman then asks the bride’s father for permission to marry her. Once the bride’s father approved, the marriage articles were drawn up. This contract defined the distribution of wealth and property in the marriage and what would happen to the wife and children if the husband met an early death. Occasionally, a jointure became part of the articles. A jointure stated that the wife would receive a guaranteed portion of her husband’s property upon his death.
Every Woman Dreams... 
Reblogged this on Ella Quinn ~ Author.
Wonderful post Regina.
Thank you, Ella. I have been reading edits for the new novel all day. It’s so tedious. It was wonderful to take a break and find everyone’s lovely responses on this post.
You reminded me that I need to start the next book. The one I finished is in the second series, so no editing yet.
As I’ve started writing regency I find this article very helpful. Thank you
Oh, Lindsay, I wish you the best with your writing. The Regency is the most delightful of periods.
My second in my debut series is with my beta reader as we speak and I’m half way through the first book in another series.
Yes, I love writing the genre.
Loved your informative post, Regina!
I am pleased you enjoyed it, Carol. Thank you for stopping by.
Reblogged this on Rakes And Rascals and commented:
Excellent post on Regina Jeffers’s Blog
Carol, are you the sweetest one? I have been reading through my next title for hours now, and it was a wonderful surprise when I took a break to find your lovely comment. Thank you…
You’re most welcome, Regina!
This was a terrific post, Thanks!
Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your support.
Wow, a very restrictve enviroment not conducive to getting to know one another. I suppose that wasn’t considered important back then.
Cherri, a summary of courtship rituals was how I brought my students along and got them interested in Pride and Prejudice. I smartly appealed to what most interested them.
Thank you for summing it up so perfectly. It cleared up a lot of things for me!
You are welcome, Farida. I am pleased it was of interest to you.
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Thank you Regina, it helped a great deal to have it summed up so perfectly! So easy and plainly put together!
Thanks, Sophia. There are so many rules and proper usages, it is difficult to keep it all straight. I am pulling out my hair with my new WIP.
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Interesting article. During the Regency Period while marriage of convenience was the standard for most couples, not ever having your spouse love you, would be a unmitigated disaster. But today, things have gone too far the other way. Too few think about what they’re entering into and after months or a few years, they divorce. Know a couple that were married 30 years, and today many would called a milestone, or others a millstone! Five children were involved, the parents married too early and their children later. He woke up one morning saying she wasn’t attractive anymore and he wanted a divorce. Really, it took him 35 years to make that decision. A divorce is too easy to get now, but back then it was almost unheard of and / difficult to get. If Austen knew real people that she used to write about in Pride and Prejudice, hopefully they had a HEA marriage.
A divorce was only granted by Parliament, and it was very expensive – also very public for all details of the criminal conversation was published as part of the Parliamentary hearings.
I am of the persuasion that a waiting period would be best for all marriages. It is too easy to marry and too easy for a divorce. In writing a more day version of P&P, one can’t recreate the scandal of Lydia’s elopement. With cities like Las Vegas, a “quickie” marriage is no big deal. And no one thinks twice of a man and woman living together for years before they marry. It is a sad state of affairs.